Testimony

Background

Hi, my name is Maria. I come from southern part of India. I was born into a Catholic family. I was baptized as a baby and I always believed that I could please God and go to heaven by doing good. My family are quite high up in the Catholic church. My grandma teaches in the Sunday school, my parents do a lot of good works. I was quite proud to be their daughter. I also loved my parents so much that I thought I couldn’t love anybody more than them.

Thoughts of suicide

I grew up to be good and jovial. I had lovely friends and family. I went to church every Sunday though I didn’t want to. Life seemed perfect. But, I had this nature of being too sensitive. If someone said something about me, I immediately thought of taking my life. This thought was always there in my head. I had even tried committing suicide three times when I was young.

When people saw me they would probably think I am lucky enough to have everything. I was accepted to study at one of the best universities in my state and started pursuing my undergraduate.

Struggle with Addiction

Things started happening within me. I wasn’t the usual innocent girl. I used to secretly watch unhelpful images online when I was 16. I felt very guilty, however hard I tried to get rid of it, I couldn’t. When I became independent and moved far away from home I became addicted to it.It did more to me than I could ever imagine. I struggled with it for five years.

Prayer of a friend

I had this friend, who just became a Christian, she was my roommate. She started talking to me about Jesus and what he did for me. I used to hate her whenever she talked about Jesus, because I was already a Christian and was warned by my family about people like her, so called Christians (non-Catholics) who were trying to convert people. But, this friend was different. I felt she had something I didn’t have. But, I never made it easy for her. She loved me and considered me as a good friend. The scary part was when I realized I couldn’t love people anymore. I wasn’t sensitive to their feelings including my mom and dad. I used to hurt those who loved me so much. But, my friend kept saying that she was praying for me. She would make sure to invite me to every single prayer meeting and Sunday church service. I rejected every time and I always had an excuse. Frustrated one day, in my first year of university, I challenged her that she could do whatever she wanted within the four years of university, pray and keep inviting me. “Let us see if your God changes me or else I will never believe in God.”

I had no peace and so to fill the emptiness in my life I would spend many hours, sometimes the whole night watching stuff I probably shouldn’t. I hated myself. The thoughts in my head became loud and clear. “You are not worthy to live. No one loves you. You are ugly. You are watching stuff you shouldn’t watch.” Finally it was too much to bear, that I decided to end my life. None of my friends knew what was going on in my life, because I used to laugh outside, but held the pain inside. I felt like hiding myself behind a mask.

Does God exist?

I can remember in my final year of university going to church and praying that my life could rewind and I become the old Maria who was innocent. But God seemed to be deaf to my prayers. I stopped believing in the existence of God. It was the year 2011 I made a New Year resolution to read the Bible. I threw it off when it didn’t make any sense. I hated God. Eventually, I hated my friend more who was talking to me about God. I wanted to make sure God didn’t exist before I would take my life, so that I did not need to be accountable to him. I started searching for proof of the non-existence of God. And I found none that made sense. I started hating religion.

I cried out to God

One day I yelled at God, “If you are there, please show yourself to me, I don’t want to believe what people say.” I wanted to know the one who created me, if he really exists. Finally I decided to give my friend a chance when she invited me to a camp. I went thinking that it was my chance to bombard the Christians with questions and make them miserable. I remember crying for the first time in three years, when someone read the parable from the Bible of the gardener who took care of a fig tree that bore no fruit for three years. When the landowner wanted to cut it down, the gardener pleads to give the tree one more year. I was able to hear God saying to me, that he had been waiting for me for three years and he was ready to wait one more year. I also remembered the challenge I made. I thought I was searching for God for three  years but it looked like it was God who was waiting for me for three years and I was constantly rebelling and rejecting him.

My life didn’t transform in a day. There were continuous struggles with doubt and my addiction. It took me a year to completely believe in God. But, things started falling into place the day I surrendered to God saying, “I come to you with no religion or pre-conceived ideas, but show me who you are.”

Deliverance from addiction

One night when I was tempted with my addiction, I felt a war going on inside of me to stop but I was not able to in my own strength. But, God helped me to stop. I cried asking forgiveness for what I did, for being unfaithful. That day I saw my name, Maria and a list of all the bad things I had done. Then I saw Jesus write his name instead of mine. I just couldn’t even bear the thought of him suffering for whatever I did. I felt love for this guy named Jesus. I was filled with love and peace. The next night I was scared to go to sleep for fear of being tempted again. So I was watching TV and saw a guy saying that someone is suffering from addiction and God wants to deliver her. I knew God was delivering me.

The decision to follow Jesus

From then on I decided to follow Jesus, who saved my life. He started changing me as well. I was able to love people. I have realized that, my life without him is nothing. So grateful to have known him. I am a work in progress. God is in control of my life. I got baptized last year(9 June 2013) at UK at Gateway church. It was an unforgettable day for me.